Monday, December 22, 2003

The Definitive Guide to Gifts.

It's better to give than to receive. Ever wonder why? It's because most gifts suck. Let's face it. If that shit was any good, you would have bought it for yourself already. And if your friends really thought it was good, they'd buy it for themselves instead of you. Gift giving is mostly giving things you don't want to people who don't want them either.

The biggest problem with the holiday season is what to do with all the useless tat. Here are some suggestions.

Regift Everything. Don't keep any of your gifts. Pass them on and free yourself of your attachment to these material possessions. Give it away. Be like the Buddha. The Buddha with wrapping paper and no budget for new gifts.

Except Drugs. If someone gives you drugs as a gift, you have to do them. Unless they suck. But come on, it's the holiday season so you'll probably need to do them anyway.

Oh, and socks. Everyone needs new socks. Everyone. These are pretty much the only good gift. Thanks mom.

Gifts from girls/boys you are dating. These are the worst. Nothing will fit because the person you are dating imagines you are either bigger or smaller than you really are. None of it will be your style because you are dating someone who really doesn't know that much about you. Also, the main point of the gift is to brand you as taken. Think dogs and fire-hydrants. Give anything from the person you are dating to your younger brother.

Games. Nothing really to do about this. You're not even really going to play with games on Christmas day. Does anyone really need the Return of the King edition of Trivial Pursuit? Maybe a good doorstop?

Except Grand Theft Auto Vice City. That shit rocks. If someone gives this to you for Christmas you totally have to make out with them. Isn't it cool how you can navigate your way around Miami just based on a video game?

A last word about drugs. Coke is a totally acceptable holiday drug. Lots of pep and less temptation to slip into the guest bedroom where your parents have ridiculously exiled your visiting girlfriend. The pot is not acceptable unless you smoke it with your father and confess how much you've always wanted to say you love him but never got the chance. Heroin is okay, but only if you are alone in a Detroit hotel room into which you've dragged from the lobby a fern that you've decorated with lit cigarettes. Crystal Meth is never okay, not even on Christmas.

Giving gifts to that drunk guy you've been hanging out with a lot lately. This is v. v. hot this season. He promises not to give away any of your gifts. Especially if it's whiskey.

Gifts from your parents. See entry for socks.

Books, Music and Other Crap. No one is ever going to get this right because everyone else has spazzy tastes that don't make any sense. If you get them what they want, you're only encouraging them. If you try to improve them, they'll just regift it. If you want to buy something special for someone, give them drugs. Or booze. Or socks.

Other Holiday Guides:
The Morning News: 2003 Holiday Survival Guide for Slackers.
Swamp City: Guide to Regifting.