Tuesday, December 30, 2003

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep.

1. Forget about last year. 2003 is so 2003.

2. Throw out your Uggs. What the fuck did you buy them for anyway? Ugly is out this year.

3. Get better drugs. That shit you've been doing is totally over. You need to rotate into something new. Also, see a dentist because you've fucked up your molars with all that grinding.

4. Get a better drug dealer. Your guy sucks. He's late, his gear is crap and he's becoming a bit too familiar with your habits.

5. No more fucking the Strokes. Their new cd sounds just like their old cd, and that started sounding so last year like three years ago. They're not famous anymore, okay?

6. Drink more. This is going to be the year of the bender. Trust me. Start practicing now.

7. Stop using hip-hop slang, yo. Okay, you're not going to do this but I had to try.

8. Adopt the seven habits of highly successful New Yorkers: not giving a shit about anyone else, cocaine, repeating yourself, cocaine, cocaine, brunch, cocaine.

9. Watch more television. You are going to do this anyway, so I want credit for it.

10. Don't quit anything. We love you just as you are.

More Resolutions:
The Black Table