Thursday, December 04, 2003

How to Survive the Season: Let's be honest. The holiday party season is horrific. You have to go to lots of parties thrown by people who have no business having parties—people like your boss. It's perfectly natural to invoke the powers of booze and drugs to help cope with the season.

And the New York Post's guide to surviving holiday parties doesn't cut it, does it? I mean, look at number eight—"You're not drinking and everyone else is." What the fuck are they talking about? Here's an alternate guide to seasonal survival.

Scenario 1: You can't remember the name of the co-worker you are making out with in the supply cabinet.
Try to keep her mouth occupied in ways other than talking. If necessary, call her "baby" and "beautiful." In my experience you should never resort to "mami" unless you are of the Latin persuasion. The fact is she probably doesn't remember your name either. Unless you are her boss. Then you're fucked.

Scenario 2: You are trapped in conversation with somebody boring. (The David Eggers Syndrome).
Retreat to the bar. He'll follow you but the point isn't to lose him. It's to drink him away. Grab something strong enough to be irresponsible and make it a double. Drink for as long as he talks. Eventually you'll develop the super-power of time travel and won't remember a thing he said.

If this fails, try asking him lots of questions. Like who would win in a fight--cocaine or crystal meth? Or, who's the scarier alien--ET, Spock or Paris Hilton?

Scenario 3: The person you are talking to wants to escape. (The Vendela Vida Sydrome)
I cornered a very famous actress at a party thrown by a Big Bad Rapper. She was a wee-thing and absolutely terrified because I had just been through Scenario 2 and had my super powers on. She ended up convincing her hot friend to make out with me in order to provide an opportunity for her escape. That rocked.

Scenario 4: You are wearing the same outfit for three days straight because you haven't made it home.
If you're a male of the species, you should be wearing a suit. No one will notice. Just buy a clean shirt if necessary. If you're a female, you need to make some adjustments. I suggest progressive slutiness. Try shortening the skirt with scissors, or adding a slit. Plunge your neckline. Extra-skin always helps distract from your dissolute lifestyle.

Scenario 5: You run into your current significant other.
You're supposedly working late, and instead you run into your S.O. at a party. Retreat to the bar. Have two or three strong drinks. These will help you lie more effectively. Sneak into bedroom and steal a piece of jewelry. Tell S.O. you came here to surprise her with this fabulous gift. Insist you can only give it to her in private. Make out on the cab ride home to keep her mind off the utter implausibility of this scenario.

Scenario 6: You want to introduce yourself to someone.
Retreat to the bar. Have two or seven strong drinks. Insist on buying the person a drink even though its an open bar. Bonus hint: while a few drinks will make you boldly social, try not to fall down on people the first time you meet them.

Scenario 7: You suspect your drugs suck.
There's nothing worse than being on the verge of making loads of new friends, only to find yourself ostracized because you have dodgy drugs. The only way to know for sure is to sneak off somewhere private and do your own stuff alone. If it sucks, you haven't made any new enemies. If it's good, you haven't wasted good stuff on those people you barely know anyway.

Scenario 8: You are undressed.
You never, ever want to be undressed in the office. Try to keep your clothes nearby, and don't let that hot assistant from the thirty-ninth floor snuggle up in your shirt after conference room sex. She will take it. And you will have to march back through the party sans one shirt.

Scenario 9: You are drinking more than everyone else is.
That's okay. You don't have a problem. Everyone else does. It's only a problem if the reason they aren't drinking so much is because they have really good drugs they aren't sharing.

Scenario 10: Someone throws up.
Someone? Please. We're talking about you here. Plants are good places to throw up. Avoid bathrooms and other places people are likely to be doing drugs. Windows can be spectacular but the danger of defenestrating yourself is too great. If you are in a cab, you are going to make a mess. Try to jump out when the cab is stopped at a light. Jumping out while it is moving is almost as dangerous as the window thing. Always try to have a drink immediately after throwing-up—it helps get rid of the stench and the taste. Also, take a couple of KGB pills.