Monday, November 06, 2006
A Strategy For A Republican Victory in 2008
It looks like the Republicans are in for trouble tomorrow. The House is going down to the Dems, and probably the Senate too. Five or six governor’s mansions will switch over to the Democrats. I know some of my Republican friends are probably going to go to bed either depressed or in denial (“we only lost the Senate by one seat, that’s a victory!”).
So, as a favor to them, I offer the following proposals for building a Republican victory in 2008.
1. You didn’t get enough Hispanic votes this time. Clearly what we need are more Hispanic voters! Annex Mexico, or at least grant everyone in Mexico the right to vote in 2008. They’ve almost as much stake as anyone else in who runs America, so why shouldn’t they have a say? All those Mexican Catholics are bound to be naturally conservative, GOP voters. Bring them into the big tent!
2. Invade Iran! Those “the terrorists want the Democrats to win” almost worked this time around. The only problem is that Iraq isn’t scary enough to most Americans. It’s far away, and seems unlikely to spill over into some sort of global, nuclear conflict killing lots of American civilians. So bring on the next war! With all those Iranians up in arms, that’s surely got to get some Americans thinking about security again. If we don’t invade Iran, the terrorists and the Democrats win!
3. Speaking of not being scared enough, isn’t it time to start increasing investment from the ruling class of the Gulf States? Sure people kind of misunderstood the whole Dubai Ports deal the first time around. By why stop with the ports when we have all those airports, power plants and military bases to run? You’re Republicans, so start privatizing that stuff. And help Americans get to know our Middle East allies better by privatizing it into their hands.
4. Crack down on the right of your own party. Look, we all know your party is full of bigots and religious fanatics. It’s time you started telling these people who is boss. This may alienate some of your base, and drive some white male voters into the arms of your rivals. But that’s a feature, not a bug. You get way too many votes from white people right now. It’s totally embarrassing. And this will totally help you garner Asian, black and Hispanic votes. For every two dozen white male votes you lose, you’ll probably get 1.4 minority votes. Think about that. Get excited.
5. Keep supporting left-wing Republicans. Look how well that’s working. I mean, sure Chafee is going to lose. And supporting Arlen Specter probably cost Rick Santorum his seat. But these things work like clockwork. Think pendulmns. All these years of losing with the people the media like to call “moderates” is bound to pay off one of these days. And maybe that day will be an election day in a couple of years. Nominate Rudy!
6. More spending! Sure, you spent and spent and spent for the last five years. But I guarantee the Democrats are going to come in and try to spend even more. Resist the temptation to call for spending cuts. That’ll just make you look like hypocrites. Call for more spending. New entitlement programs. There’s got to be somebody who still needs a prescription drug program, right?
7. Keep reminding people how we’re on the path to victory in Iraq. Sure it made you seem weird and out of touch this time. But the alternative was to admit that things went terribly while you were in charge. So keep up the unreality. And then, if by some miracle (fingers crossed!), we get out of Iraq intact, you can claim credit.
8. We need more amendments. Flag amendments, marriage amendments, locking-people (who may be terrorists)-up without trials amendments. If the founding fathers didn’t want Amendments, why’d they pass ten of them? Being against Amerndments is anti-American. And, let’s face it, you’re not going to actually pass any of these amendments. So even if we don’t need them, you should start calling for them early and often.
9. Judges! I know, I know. I can’t believe this trick of talking about judges ever couple of years at election time, and then not doing anything about them, really works. But it does. Keep it up.
10. Can we talk about Hillary? Let’s get her nominated. Those Clintons are total political poison and always lose. Except, you know, on election days. But those are only a couple of days a year! We could totally move election day to a Wednesday—Amendment time!—and then we’d beat her for sure. Clintons win on Tuesdays. But America wins on Wednesdays. I smell a slogan!
So cheer up, fellas and fellettes. We're just ten steps away from a Republican victory in 2008.
So, as a favor to them, I offer the following proposals for building a Republican victory in 2008.
1. You didn’t get enough Hispanic votes this time. Clearly what we need are more Hispanic voters! Annex Mexico, or at least grant everyone in Mexico the right to vote in 2008. They’ve almost as much stake as anyone else in who runs America, so why shouldn’t they have a say? All those Mexican Catholics are bound to be naturally conservative, GOP voters. Bring them into the big tent!
2. Invade Iran! Those “the terrorists want the Democrats to win” almost worked this time around. The only problem is that Iraq isn’t scary enough to most Americans. It’s far away, and seems unlikely to spill over into some sort of global, nuclear conflict killing lots of American civilians. So bring on the next war! With all those Iranians up in arms, that’s surely got to get some Americans thinking about security again. If we don’t invade Iran, the terrorists and the Democrats win!
3. Speaking of not being scared enough, isn’t it time to start increasing investment from the ruling class of the Gulf States? Sure people kind of misunderstood the whole Dubai Ports deal the first time around. By why stop with the ports when we have all those airports, power plants and military bases to run? You’re Republicans, so start privatizing that stuff. And help Americans get to know our Middle East allies better by privatizing it into their hands.
4. Crack down on the right of your own party. Look, we all know your party is full of bigots and religious fanatics. It’s time you started telling these people who is boss. This may alienate some of your base, and drive some white male voters into the arms of your rivals. But that’s a feature, not a bug. You get way too many votes from white people right now. It’s totally embarrassing. And this will totally help you garner Asian, black and Hispanic votes. For every two dozen white male votes you lose, you’ll probably get 1.4 minority votes. Think about that. Get excited.
5. Keep supporting left-wing Republicans. Look how well that’s working. I mean, sure Chafee is going to lose. And supporting Arlen Specter probably cost Rick Santorum his seat. But these things work like clockwork. Think pendulmns. All these years of losing with the people the media like to call “moderates” is bound to pay off one of these days. And maybe that day will be an election day in a couple of years. Nominate Rudy!
6. More spending! Sure, you spent and spent and spent for the last five years. But I guarantee the Democrats are going to come in and try to spend even more. Resist the temptation to call for spending cuts. That’ll just make you look like hypocrites. Call for more spending. New entitlement programs. There’s got to be somebody who still needs a prescription drug program, right?
7. Keep reminding people how we’re on the path to victory in Iraq. Sure it made you seem weird and out of touch this time. But the alternative was to admit that things went terribly while you were in charge. So keep up the unreality. And then, if by some miracle (fingers crossed!), we get out of Iraq intact, you can claim credit.
8. We need more amendments. Flag amendments, marriage amendments, locking-people (who may be terrorists)-up without trials amendments. If the founding fathers didn’t want Amendments, why’d they pass ten of them? Being against Amerndments is anti-American. And, let’s face it, you’re not going to actually pass any of these amendments. So even if we don’t need them, you should start calling for them early and often.
9. Judges! I know, I know. I can’t believe this trick of talking about judges ever couple of years at election time, and then not doing anything about them, really works. But it does. Keep it up.
10. Can we talk about Hillary? Let’s get her nominated. Those Clintons are total political poison and always lose. Except, you know, on election days. But those are only a couple of days a year! We could totally move election day to a Wednesday—Amendment time!—and then we’d beat her for sure. Clintons win on Tuesdays. But America wins on Wednesdays. I smell a slogan!
So cheer up, fellas and fellettes. We're just ten steps away from a Republican victory in 2008.
