Monday, December 29, 2003

Like Bridget Harrison, but More Shameless:

Dear Manhattan Transfer,

I'm beginning to think your treatise 'On Being Single' may have been ill advised. I don't think I'm equipped to handle the responsibility. Even if my relationship was causing me to lose interest in being alive, some of that was nice. There was always someone around who wanted to touch me and I didn't have to worry about feeding myself. Or grooming.

But I took your advice and decided to revert to my single persona. I've stopped cooking and cleaning. My room is strewn with high heels, smoky clothes and thongs. I got rid of all the food in my house. All that's left is some Chinese food and champagne in the fridge and three half-empty bottles of vodka in the freezer.

I intended to date as many people as possible, but week one got off to a rocky start. Since your KGB pills haven't arrived yet, I decided to avoid the hangover by staying drunk all week. It's made the work a bit less productive, but all of my dates much more attractive.

Sunday night I went to a concert with "Roy" (that's his real name but let's put it in quotes so I can deny it later) to ease back into dating. His sexual advances intrigued me, since he definitely gives off the impression that he's gay. Turns out he's just Dutch. He left the country on Wednesday, but I might have had an intervention otherwise. He's a great dancer, with great fashion sense, but his favorite musician is Elton John and if he were a bit thinner he'd bear a close resemblance to Art Garfunkel (his favorite singer). He'd be so much more fulfilled if he slept with boys.

Monday night at happy hour Sleazboy from work cornered me by the bathroom and asked me why Loser never came out. It's been three months since we broke up, so I thought I should break the news to Sleazboy. When I informed him that we split, his reaction was "Good news for me." To get out of that mess, I had to bump into him and spill his drink on some girl standing behind us. I mumbled some excuse about the bathroom and pulled Kat away from a very cute man while Sleazboy was occupied with the girl's angry boyfriend. I don't remember the next bar because I had to buy Kat a lot of shots to get her mind off the guy I robbed her of.

Tuesday night was set to be promising. One of my pre-Loser crushes was having a going away party. Unfortunately, I got held up at work and by the time we got to the bar, he was passed out on stool in a sombrero and his friends were singing Jimmy Buffett. Eh, he was a college crush – I should have known better. Kat and Nina made a break for the door before anyone recognized us, but I got sidelined. Before I could get to there I was face to face with Loser. He was looking very stylish in the scarf I bought him last Christmas and had finally listened to my advice on the importance of a decent haircut. That's the ultimate tragedy about exes, isn't it? You school them on how to be more attractive, generally better human beings, only to make them better prepared for the next girl they date. At least she'll be caught totally off guard when all his psychoses come to light. We were right next to his office, but I was caught totally off guard because he usually avoids fun like kryptonite.

His presence in a bar was inexplicable. Was Loser discovering fun in my absence? He quickly informed me that there was there to watch a Georgetown game, so no. Still lame. But very unfair of him to moonlight in my habitat. The girls brought me to a new bar and filled me with sushi and sake to make up for it, but the encounter definitely put a damper on the evening.

I don't remember Wednesday, but Thursday was a black-tie fake date on a cruise. An acquaintance asked me to Kat's holiday party awhile back and I was looking forward to it. She was bringing our cute friend Nate and there was going to be an open bar. Things were looking up when John showed up at my door with flowers. Turns out it was a real date. However, the night got worse quickly, as I learned that he has the personality of dry toast. I was not thrilled. But the night proved to be amusing. Being trapped on a boat with your friends' drunk coworkers can be very entertaining. While Nina was thwarting advances from her boss, Nate and I made the old people do shots and two of them went on to make out during the electric slide. Unfortunately, John turned out to be a very possessive date. He actually called Nate a "datestealer" for dancing with me. Luckily, his opinion of me didn't change throughout the night, so I put him on refill duty and had him chauffeur my friends and I around to bars after the boat docked. I'll have to keep him in mind as a designated driver for future events.

I decided I'd have a low key night on Friday, but forgot about The Hawker's $4 Bud Ice pitcher happy hour special. I was trashed by 7. Ended up hanging out with the guys all night and wandering around various bars. Finally ordered some dinner at Murray's, but forgot to eat it. Spent most of the night playing pool while Will picked up chicks. Decided to make it an early night and Will insisted that he walk me home. Told me about his big score on the way there and then hit on my roommate while I was in the bathroom. On his way out, he tried to kiss me. Even though he's Loser's best friend. Classy.

The whole single thing isn't going so well for me, Mick. Loser may have been boring, but the other men I meet haven't finished evolving. By Saturday night's party I had given up on men again. I got so drunk that I kept introducing myself to people as Ben. Then I decided to rip Santa hats off unsuspecting girls' heads and blame other partygoers nearby. I almost got into a fight with a six footer once, but somehow calmed everyone down by laughing and speaking Spanish. Good news. I can speak Spanish.

I'm not sure how, but I made some guy fall in love with me. He was a little boring (Georgetown grad), but was absolutely the cutest guy at the party. He was very quiet - couldn't quite make out if he was drunk or dumb - but got bonus points for being very obedient and being entertained by my rude, inebriated self. We're going out after Christmas. I think he'll be the perfect rebound. After the bars closed, he and his much more amusing but less attractive friend came with Nina and me to get pizza. Since he had been paying for me all night, I didn't realize until they left that I no longer had my wallet. Nina and I walked to her place.

Unfortunately, she lives with Loser (due to bad advice from me a year ago). I was slightly more inebriated and it was slightly later than I thought. I was trying to pass out peacefully while waiting for Nina to get out of the bathroom when he woke up and came out of his bedroom. Let's just say I didn't end up sleeping on the couch. I must have still been drunk when I woke up in the morning, because it took me a good ten minutes to realize that the nice sensation I was feeling did not come from receiving designer Christmas presents in my dream, but Loser making out with me in the real world. Eh. He threw a bit of a fit when I tried to leave with Nina while he was in the shower, but all in all we avoided much of the "Why don't you love me? Why can't we make it work? You only want me for my body" bullshit. And he still doesn't have my new cell phone number.

Sunday. This week made me tired. I'm beginning to see why people stay trapped in their suffocating relationships for so long. Being an interesting person all the time is so much more draining than letting your personality dissipate because you know your significant other will never have the balls to chuck you. Besides being a refresher in Bad Decision Making 101, I can't say that getting back into dating has been wholly successful. I snagged a twenty from Loser for brunch, so I can't imagine we'll be getting back together anytime soon. Which is good, since I don't think I could stay drunk enough long enough to convince myself I'm still interested.

At least the sex is better now. And I have a promising date after Christmas.

Love always,