Tuesday, September 21, 2004

A Guide for Children 

Blogging around here might be slightly slower than usual as I've started on my new book project. It's a step-by-step guide for children to teach them how to deal with certain situations that arise in modern life. It's called "Dick has Two Girlfriends." Like that book to teach kids about lesbians--"Heather has Two Mommies"--except it teaches kids about slutty people.

Some excerpts:

Dick lives in a little apartment on the lower east side. His door is made of steel, and it has two locks.

Dick's favorite number is two. He has two arms, two legs, two cell phones, two eyes and two impacted wisdom teeth. Dick has two favorite drinks and their names are Wild Turkey neat and Wild Turkey Double. Double is another word for two.

Dick also has two girlfriends and their names are Sally and Jane. But to Dick they're both just called Baby.

Hanging out with Dick is fun. When we're with Sally we play a game called, "Don't talk about Jane." I'm really good at it. When we're with Jane the game we play is"Don't talk about Sally." I'm good at that one too.

Dick says Jane is a little bit wild. Sometimes after he plays with her he has funny scratches on his back. When Sally asks about it, he tells her it is psoriasis .

Sally was playing at Dick's apartment the other day when she found something strange. "Oh, no, Sally. Those are your underwear. You probably just forgot about them. Black is a very forgettable color," Dick says.

Sometimes the phone rings at Dick's place and nobody is on the other end when Sally answers. "Yeah, I get a lot of prank calls," Dick says.

One night Dick went to a bar with Sally. Jane was already there. Dick played hide-n-seek, and neither of the girls could find him. Dick is good at games.