Thursday, December 30, 2004

New Year's Resolution You Can Keep 

I was wondering if I would get around to making a list of resolutions for the new year when I decided that it might be a good idea to review how well I kept to 2004's resolutions.

1. Forget about last year. 2003 is so 2003.

Well that was easy. Drink to forget.

2. Throw out your Uggs. What the fuck did you buy them for anyway? Ugly is out this year.

This was a resolution for the rest of you. And it didn't work. You just went out and got even uglier and more ridiculous arctic boots.

What's worse, I finally saw a girl who made them look hot. I was in Chicago in November. It was freezing fucking cold. She had on a tiny denim skirt that was completely ridiculous in that weather. On her feet were these enormous furry things. She was so hot that it me believe in God.

3. Get better drugs. That shit you've been doing is totally over. You need to rotate into something new. Also, see a dentist because you've fucked up your molars with all that grinding.

Nope. Same old drugs. Oh, except smoking. I started smoking a year ago and that's been going along really well.

4. Get a better drug dealer. Your guy sucks. He's late, his gear is crap and he's becoming a bit too familiar with your habits.

Same drugs, same drug dealer.

5. No more fucking the Strokes. Their new cd sounds just like their old cd, and that started sounding so last year like three years ago. They're not famous anymore, okay?

I can barely remember who these guys were? Doesn't one of them date a Charlie's Angel?

6. Drink more. This is going to be the year of the bender. Trust me. Start practicing now.

In spades. I think I just about won the pony with this one.

7. Stop using hip-hop slang, yo. Okay, you're not going to do this but I had to try.

Damn, yo. People still talking like they cutting a albumn with Hova.

8. Adopt the seven habits of highly successful New Yorkers: not giving a shit about anyone else, cocaine, repeating yourself, cocaine, cocaine, brunch, cocaine.

Definitely succeeded in the every signle one of these. Especially the part about being more selfish. Es.Peci.Ally.

9. Watch more television. You are going to do this anyway, so I want credit for it.

Forgot this one. Only really watching Lost and the Wire. There's always next year.

10. Don't quit anything. We love you just as you are.

Ah. Bless. I love you all too.