Monday, December 20, 2004

Things People Said To Me Over the Weekend 

"There's no way I'm going to that party. I haven't been on the Upper East Side in eight years."

"I broke up with my girlfriend because of my frozen pipes."

"They won't serve you here anymore. Let's go to a bar where they aren't prejudiced against drunk people."

"I don't even want to talk to you about Thursday night. You looked more sober last Saturday in your Santa costume."

"Dude, fuck them. They were all too blacked-out on Thursday to even remember what you were like. You were fine."

"I hope when I'm a drunk, I'm you're kind of drunk. The falling down kind."

"Oh, you don't want me using the phone when I'm driving you huh? Then no radio for you. It's quiet cab time. Enjoy."

"I forgot how charming you are, MT. You make it so easy to forget."

"I'm too hungover to be a rockstar tonight, MT. How about I just be the roadie?"

"How long do I have to be drunk in this party before you decide to show up?"

"I think she wants to lick my Santa beard. Ho. Ho. Ho. Don't tell her I found it in a puddle on the roof."

"You have a list of eight parties in your pocket? You wrote it down? This is excellent. Let's get blackout drunk and just hand the list to the cab driver."

"Lester Bangs used to live here. You know, the music writer. Now it's just a bunch of fucked up kids on meth."

"You called me at 4 a.m. I didn't wake up but your message was awesome. You said, 'I remember when you used to rock. Click.'"

"It's Sunday and you're not out? People are going to start a rumor you're in rehab. Actually, I'm starting that rumor right now."

After two weeks of non-stop Christmas parties, I'm now crumpled up behind my desk like the last few dollars I have left in my pocket. Thanks to all the fellow drunks and enablers for a fantastic Christmas season.

Also, check out Where have all the Wingmen Gone???? [via The Cow Monkey]